dear mommy,

you say you're unappreciated. your efforts go unnoticed.....fuck you. im starving myself because you always said i could have such a great body if i just worked at it. talk about going unnoticed. i've been working a year to gain your fucking trust back and all you can do is throw my mistakes back in my face and play the fucking victim over and over again. you have no idea what i go through and you never will because you don't take the time to listen to me. i try and try to talk to you and connect and have some sort of substantial relationship but you don't fucking care. i kill myself to try to make you proud so you can once again brag about me to your friends. but even when i do, it means nothing to you. just something you can use to bolster your superficial image some more. look at me i have the perfect family with the perfect home and the perfect family dog and the perfect life. fuck you. you're fake and nothing. you're just pissed off that you have no life and you gave it all up to get married and have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. oh and now you regret it?

i'm done wasting my life doing what you expect me to do. i'm too young to have this many regrets. you've created this life that i'm supposed to follow like the fucking bible. go to high school. get straight a's. don't do drugs. don't drink. get into ivy league school. go to college. get straight a's. major in economics. meet a nice frat boy....who is also majoring in economics. graduate. get a job. get married. get a house. have kids. quit job. take up tennis. cheer husband on in golf tournament. send kids to private schools. make sure kids grow up just like you did. then die.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING LIFE MODEL!!! you forgot that while in high school getting straigh a's, i had no fucking friends and no social life. i spent every night studying physics and simultaneously thinking up ways to kill myself. oh and after getting into an ivy league school, not being able to remember one fun time in high school, i decided to make up for lost time and become addicted to cocaine and alcohol. then get arrested for shoplifting because i didn't have enough money for a drug high, so i thought an adrenaline rush would suffice. you remember that one? so now college...didn't work out so well did it? finally away from you, i drank every night, was high every other night, and was fucking a different guy every week. maybe i was just looking to be loved....or maybe i was bored....or maybe, just maybe, i would do anything to forget my own pathetic reality. I let some disgusting guy get away with raping me because i knew you'd never believe me. i took 25 advil and drank a bottle of whiskey the night before you were visiting once. it obviously didn't work the way i planned. desperately wanting to be found out, maybe for attention or maybe so you'd see what you've fucking done to me, i openly drank and violated the college rules and got caught. almost suspended. to save your fucking face and name, i took a medical leave for "personal reasons". your welcome bitch! so now that i have completely lost your trust and, apparently, love...i volunteered with poor kids in south america. come on, playing mother theresa had to melt your cold heart right? wrong. so so wrong.

so now here we are, mother. are you sorry for anything? do you understand now? that all i've ever done was try to do what you wanted? be who you wanted? and where has it gotten me? writing you a letter you will never see on LJ, wishing i could eat, knowing i can't.

thanks for everything. how does it feel to lose a daughter?

love ya,
me